Down Time

So, obviously I haven't blogged for a while. Sometimes I just can't believe how quickly time can fly by. It goes fast, but slow at the same time. Does that make sense? I can tick off the days so fast that a week seems like nothing at all. But when I think about Christmas, or even Valentines Day, it seems so long ago.

I told Frank the other day that I think life is like a bag of M&Ms. When I first break open the bag (theoretically speaking. No, Mom, I'm not eating sugar.) there are so many in there that it's easy to eat two or three or four M&Ms at a time. No need to eat slowly - there are plenty more - so I just pop them into my mouth without a care in the world. But then as I get toward the end of the bag I start to slow down and eat one at a time. To make them last longer.

Doesn't that seem kind of like life? Right now it's easy to jump from day to day and week to week, not giving it too much thought. But I have this feeling I'm going to wake up one day and wonder where the whole bag of M&Ms went.

Well, the past few weeks have been a little rough. I caught some sort of flu that was going around and was sick for a week. Then I felt better for a few days before it made a dramatic comeback -- making me sicker than before. By the time it finished working it's evil plan, my body had had enough. So here I am (virus free, I think) dealing with my ever-present CFS and almost wishing I still had the flu. At least with the flu there is some kind of end in sight. But CFS is trickier and harder to predict. And worst of all, the rest of the world can understand the flu. But CFS? They have no way of understanding what it's like. And sometimes that makes me feel very alone.

Frank is wonderful about it and I thank God for the way he is willing to accept it. He's been cooking, hauling laundry, helping me clean... just... everything. I could never ask for anything better.

But... I'm still sad. It is so hard to miss out on life while I wait for my strength to come back. I feel like I am going to go crazy if I have to stay in the house much longer. I know that resting is what ultimately makes the difference, but resting takes a lot of work sometimes. I have to make myself be still because I'm so tired of it!

And I think what bothers me the most, like I mentioned before, is that I don't know how to explain it to people. Really, I mean it's the craziest thing because I can be feeling awful, but still function for a few hours when I need to. Something in my body clicks "on" and I can do what I need to do (like go to work for a few hours or whatever) and then come home and crash. The longer I am "on", the harder the crash. But only a few people see the end result, and I'm not sure they totally believe it is real. I feel like Lucy from "The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe" when she was trying to tell everyone about her trip to Narnia. Sometimes I get the same "if you say so" look from well-meaning people who think I'm overreacting. (Frank thinks that this is all in my head, which could be true. Maybe I just feel ridiculous trying to explain it.)

I'm not sure if there is a point to this post. Venting maybe? I feel like my patience with sickness is running thin. VERY thin. But it is so ridiculous for me to get upset about it since I can't change it.

And speaking of time whizzing by and things I can't change:

This week I'm turning thirty. THIRTY. Wow. The good news just keeps coming, doesn't it? ;)